100 shades of scandal: Rajoy & Co.

AOG, Madrid

After doing their best to stop the inevitable, and then only after the opposition threatened to stage a vote-of-no-confidence in Parliament, Spain’s ruling Conservative Party, the Partido Popular, and its leader, Spain’s PM, Mariano Rajoy, have agreed that Mr. Rajoy will attend Spain’s Congress to give some sort of explanation about the current political situation in the country.

Although at first he and his party, given their majority in the chamber, ensured he would not, and could not, be forced to show up to be questioned, once the opposition, and more importantly, the foreign media, started to criticise him and began to acknowledge that Spain’s economic recovery might be affected by the PM’s absence, they have staged a U-turn, but one in which Mr. Rajoy ensures everyone that he goes because he wants to and not because he is being forced to go.

Mr. Rajoy, who has enraged the media by staging press conferences at party headquarters in Madrid in one room, and sitting the media in another, all facing an internal broadcast of the proceedings on a plasma screen, has also been in the difficult position of having to answer journalists only during the courtesy press conferences organised whenever a foreign politician visits Madrid.

Of course, whenever this happens, the Spanish media do their best to get the Prime Minister to say something about Spain’s current political scandals – and there are many. 

Surprisingly, during the visit of Romania’s president to Spain this week, it was a Romanian journalist who, in almost perfect Spanish, asked Mr. Rajoy about these, to Rajoy’s, and everyone else’s, surprise.

 It is expected that Mr. Rajoy will go to the Cortes, as Spain’s parliament is known, in August, to give some sort of explanation. 

Nevertherless, critics have already expressed their fear that the prime minister will talk mainly, or only, about Spain's economy and avoid any questions related to the Bárcenas scandal.

Given the latest batch of confessions from the Popular Party’s ex-treasurer, Mr. Bárcenas, statements which point at Mr. Rajoy directly, the level of expectation is very high.

There are many questions which he is expected to answer, although he has already made it clear that he will attend the Cortes to talk about Spain’s economy, and give his “version” of the events, to everyone's chagrin.

Surprisingly to all, Mr. Rajoy has done his best to avoid saying Mr. Bárcena’s name out loud in public, or referring to him in any way, yet nobody seems to know why this is.

And what are some of the most pressing questions in the air?

Well, here’s a few that should be considered.

1-Did Mr. Bárcenas pay him €45,000 in undeclared (black) money?

The ex-treasurer has told the judge that in 2009 and 2010 he paid both Mr. Rajoy, and the Conservative Party’s General Secretary, María Dolores de Cospedal,

€45,000 as undeclared ‘premiums’. 

Thus far the Prime Minister has denied having ever received illegal payments from him. 

Back in February he publicly declared that he had “never” received nor given out “black money in this party or anywhere else”. 

Months later, however, Mr. Bárcenas accused Mr. Rajoy of just this, going as far as explaining that he gave him the money in €500 bills in a brown envelope.

One of Spain’s top newspapers, El Mundo, has published a story whereby Mr. Rajoy may have been receiving illegal payments during his time as Government Minister, from 1996 to 2004. 

Accoring to Mr. Bárcenas, back then the money was given to him inside a cigar box by then treasurer, Mr. Álvaro Lapuerta.

2- Was the Partido Popular financed illegally?

After denying it over and over, Mr. Bárcenas told Judge Ruz, that he indeed was the author of what is known as the ‘Bárcenas papers’. 

A group of documents and ledgers which kept track of all payments within the party and which showed a “parallel” accounting system for the party’s finances. 

Hence, the party’s accounts guardian suggests that the party has been illegally financed for over 20 years. 

The PP has continuously denied that this has been the case and has had its “official” accounts audited by Spain’s Accounts Tribunal. 

Nevertheless, as the Spanish media have pointed, it is hard to audit what they call these ‘B’ accounts.

3- Will he resign?

All of Spain’s opposition parties are clear on this question, Mr. Rajoy should resign. According to the main opposition party, the PSOE, Spain’s Socialist Party, the Prime Minister cannot remain in power when facing the type of accusations his ex-treasurer is making. 

Nonetheless, Mr. Rajoy has said during a press conference that his intention was to see his Administration out and spoke about the need for stability and of his Party’s majority in the Cortes ensuring his presence there. 

However, many in Spain question this and his continued presence in Moncloa Palace, the official residence. 

There is even talk, although it is all very hush-hush, of who will succeed him. 

Among the names being mentioned is Spain’s current Vice-President, Soraya Sáez de Santamaría, and Spain’s Justice Minister, Mr. Gallardón, Madrid’s former Mayor. 

Soraya Sáenz de Santamaría and Alberto Gallardón

4- Will there be any political repercussions?

Thus far, none of the political VIPs mentioned by Mr. Bárcenas have resigned or even made any sort of move that suggests they would. 

The Conservative Party’s ruling body is ignoring all accusations and likes to flaunt its presumed innocence on the matter. The party’s Secretary General, Ms. Cospedal, has said she feels calm and is “looking forward” to collaborating with the legal process. 

In spite of the ‘Papers’ alluding to payments made to many of the party’s top dogs, none have thought it necessary to leave their positions, including Mr. Javier Arenas, the party’s Vice-Secretary General, or MEP, Mr. Jaime Mayor Oreja. According to the ‘Bárcenas Papers’, the main beneficiary of the undeclared ‘premium’ payments would have been their electoral consultant, Mr. Pedro Arriola, who is reputed to have received up to 1.5 million Euros cash, according to El Mundo newspaper.

5- Why did Mr. Rajoy deny that he had been in contact with Mr. Bárcenas?

Back in January, Mr. Rajoy said publicly that he could not remember “the last time” he had seen Bárcenas. In spite of his bad memory, he continued to be in contact with his ex-treasurer through the recently-revealed spat of SMS, one of the dated as far as last March.

Mr. Bárcenas

 Even though they were not seen together, they did keep messaging each other and Mr. Rajoy told him to "be strong". 

When he goes to Parliament, he will have to explain himself on this issue.

6- Why was Mr. Bárcenas made treasurer of the Conservative Party in the first place?

Although he won’t even say his name now, it was Mr. Rajoy who named Mr. Bárcenas party treasurer. He had been the all powerful power-behind-the-throne up until that point and he substituted Mr. Álvaro Lapuerta. 

Ms. Cospedal has called his appointment a “mistake”. He will be expected to explain why he was given that job in the first place.

7- Is Spain’s PM being blackmailed by Mr. Bárcenas?

After the SMS were made public, Mr. Rajoy declared -in a Louis XIV "L'état, c'est moi" moment- that the rule of law (the State) will not be blackmailed, prompting the opposition to declare that it, and the rest of the country, cannot be expected to keep track of a continuous daily stream of revelations. 

 Where once the PP supported its ex-treasurer, it now wants nothing to do with him and many are worried about what he may say against Spain’s Prime Minister.

8- Can the Government’s ‘Brand Spain’ be damaged by scandal?

The idea of Spain as a brand, what they call ‘Marca España’, has been one of Rajoy’s biggest projects, intended as it is to improve the country's image abroad, especially where international investors and money markets are concerned.

Thus far, the ‘Bárcenas Affair’ has been on more international media than any other Spain-related topic. 

Media as influential as The Economist and The Financial Times have warned of the risk to the PM that this scandal represents. 

Whilst Rajoy insists on his electoral majority (something he does as justification for all his party and ministers do) and on the country’s stability as his biggest pillars of support vis-à-vis the EU, the presence of Bárcenas has already gone beyond Spain’s borders and many people are starting to look at Spain differently with who knows what sort of economic and financial repercussions.

9- Did he know about the donations from major construction and other big business firms?

The relationship between Spain’s conservatives and big business is another case in point. For example –according to Bárcenas– Mr. Juan Villar Mir, president of OHL, a large multinational construction and civil engineering company, wanted to donate €300,000 in a very public manner before the 2011 elections and was very interested in Mr. Rajoy knowing this.

10- Were any documents destroyed at Conservative headquarters?

According to Mr. Bárcenas’ sworn declarations, he gave Mr. Rajoy a list of the people who had been in receipt of these ‘premium’ payments (and what these amounts had been) once he was asked to leave the party’s treasury. According to  him, the now PM put the list through the paper shredder.

11- Denial and proof?

Thus far, Spain’s Popular Party has denied just about everything Mr. Bárcenas has told Judge Ruz, even though Mr. Bárcenas has turned in several original documents. Mr. Rajoy should show his own proofs that these documents are not what they appear to be.

Odd Economics

AOG, Madrid

I was last in London over Christmas and I hadn’t gone back until now, late May. 

My how the place has changed!

First of all, there’s the Shard. 

A tall pyramidal structure made of glass and which some are referring to as Mordor.

Although impressive from a distance, close-up it suffers from that thing that so often occurs in the UK: location, location, location. Or rather, a lack thereof.

It is not in a good neighborhood and, for a building intent on promoting finance, it is not in the City.

I got pretty close to it from London Bridge’s station’s platform 6, which takes you straight to Charing Cross.

From there, you get a glimpse of the glass behemoth, and you can't help but be taken aback by the fact that the thing looks a) unfinished, and b) empty.

As is the case with many European cities today, there is an overabundance of empty office space, and London is not the exception.

According to FT,  “In a survey of the industry by CBRE, the world’s largest property fund by assets, three-quarters of banks with a presence in London said that they were planning to cut the amount of office space they used.”

And according to The Telegraph, in 2009: "Approximately 11.9% of City offices are vacant – equivalent to 10 large city towers – up by a tenth already in 2009 and more than double the 5.2pc prior to the onset of the credit crisis in 2007, as increasing numbers of businesses collapse or downsize.”

So it would appear that another glass tower is not really what London needs. 

And yet, there is something amazing about tall buildings. 

The way they defy our human perspective and make us dream of the views we would see from them. Yes, there certainly is a dreamy aspect to tall buildings.

Second of all, my trip to London also informed me of the fact that the city is living trough a construction boom. 

Around the Greenwich area, any empty lot has been turned over to a building company which will gladly erect one of those boring looking, yet ever so trendy, housing plots with pseudo-modern architecture (which, in case you are wondering, just means pricey properties with small rooms and hardly any storage space).

A friend of ours who lives in the area said he was appalled at all the construction and mentioned how these days, most of those properties are being snapped up by wealthy foreign nationals, who will be in the UK for, maybe, a week per year, and city types who commute into and out of Canary Wharf, but never set foot in the area.

And according to Londonist magazine, this boom is only helping to make property even more expensive: “Average asking prices in London have gone past the £500,000 mark for the first time, and Camden has joined Westminster and Kensington and Chelsea as a borough where average prices are over £1m. 

We’ve also noticed a little flurry of articles pointing out the extent of foreign interest in high-end property. 

The New Statesman points out today that only 45% of buyers in central London are UK nationals; Russians and Middle Eastern citizens are those who seem to find the posh bits of the capital most tempting. 

The New York Times recently looked at the effect on local businesses of increasing numbers of owners using their London homes as temporary stop-off points. 

This phenomenon is exemplified in One Hyde Park, where Vanity Fair found that just 17 of the 76 apartments sold are registered as primary residences, and seems to be practically empty.”

I wonder about how healthy this is for a country.

On the other hand…

During my stay, I also met with a couple of friends. They corroborated this idea about London’s average housing prices being too steep, especially for a country where average wages are around £26,000. 

Who in London can afford half a million for a place to live?

Some can, no doubt, but most people, most Londoners, cannot. 

On that subject, we talked about recent studies which mentioned how, it is now becoming very obvious, that all the wealth being created in the City of London is not filtering downwards. 

Yes, the City of London creates jobs, that is, it creates employment for the people who serve the people who work -mostly in finance- in the City.

However, all that wealth being amassed there is not percolating down to the rest of the country.

In fact, a large proportion of it is not even taxable, thanks to the UK’s myriad of legal and financial loopholes and tax havens (Gibraltar, Channel Islands, etc etc etc).

London might be one of the planet's financial capitals, but if you are living outside of London, in a council estate, how is that benefitting you and your family?

None of this is illegal, of course (because politicians pass the laws which benefit their friends), but is it ethical?

Desirable?

A really bad precedent...

In Spain, meanwhile, people often like to bring up the example of Mr. Álvarez Cascos, PM's Aznar's Development Minister who, a few years ago, when asked why property in Spain was so expensive, replied "if it is expensive it is because Spaniards can afford it".

What he was trying to say was that he was proud that property was expensive because it meant the Spanish were doing well.

This was before the Conservative party lost the 2004 elections and Spain was hit by an economic crisis from which the country has yet to emerge.

Unfortunately for Mr. Álvarez Cascos, as well as for Mr. Cameron in the UK, most citizens were not so rich that they could afford a property.

In Spain this meant that banks took advantage of people, prices were inflated, and the property boom turned into a bubble which burst.

It meant that property for lower middle class, and middle class families, suddenly went up in price, and many people, as is the case in the UK, were priced out of the property market.

It means that, given Spain's anachronistic mortgage and property laws, you may turn your property's keys to the bank, and it may sell it, but you will still own the bank whatever was left on your mortgage.

It means that many people are being made homeless even today in Spain, while the Government looks on.

It means that many immigrants left the country, the home they bought, and their debt, in Spain and went back to where they came from.

All of this points to Spain's failure, especially since Madrid, unlike London, is not so international a city that many Russian or Middle Eastern investors are willing to pay half a million Pounds (or the equivalent in Euros) on average for the privilege of having a property there (although they will pay this much for property on the Costa del Sol, but that's a different story).

In the UK, where this has happened in the past, what is happening is that people are slowly being forced to move elsewhere. In many instances outside of London.

It is not a crazy idea to suggest that in the not-too-distant-future, London will be a half empty city where a lot of rich people don't live, and a lot of crime takes place.

Is this really what the British Government would like?

And before anyone says 'but what can they do', let me just say, if you are the Government and you don't know what to do, then you shouldn't be the Government.

I would ask people for the time

AOG, Madrid

A few months ago, maybe as far back as last September, my watch's battery ran out. 

I did nothing for a couple of days thinking, or rather, hoping in the most procrastinating manner, that I would get around to changing the battery in a couple of days.

A couple of days turned into a couple of months, and a couple of months turned into roughly 9 months. 

I have now been without a wristwatch for almost a year and, yes, there have been many times when I have missed it. 

Last November I took it to a local watch shop only to be told that, because of the type of watch it was, they could not do it. 

A couple of months ago, a lady from work told me that a relative of her husband's could change the battery. 

A couple of days later she said she was really sorry, but, "Being an Omega, he doesn't have the proper equipment to open it up". 

When I lived in London, changing the watch's battery had never been a problem. I had a local jeweler who changed it in a couple of days, and it was not very expensive. 

Getting Around

Of course, these people also exist in Madrid, but they are not within walking distance, and my life these days is all about walking distance. 

Having been spoiled as a child and a teenager growing up in America, where I drove everywhere and had a passion for cars, these days I live without the benefit of personal transport and rely on public transportation to get anywhere. Buses and subways are my method of braving long distances.

When I lived in London and I had a car -my much beloved 1988 Volvo station wagon being the last of the crop, I would move about the city using public transport too. 

However, come the weekend, out came the car. 

Drive here, there. 

To the West End or South London, to Windsor's Great Park or the art galleries in Hampstead or Whitechapel.

But in Madrid, I don't own a car. 

I really don't need it, so public transport has become, after walking on foot, my preferred mode of moving about town.

Also, there's the element of fatigue. You, the reader, may be able to relate to this. Why is it that as children we had humongous reserves of energy but, as adults, we can hardly make it through the day?

It is a recurring theme that, when I get out of work, I make it home, and do my best not to fall asleep on the sofa. I have zero energy. 

So, when faced with the task of taking my watch and finding a jeweler who can change the battery, I just can't spare the few 'joules' I may have in my body doing anything other than dinner, and, maybe, doing some reading. 

I also want to add changing the channel to that list. 

Alternative Trinkets

So I live with no watch. 

Oh, but you own only one watch? No, I own five watches. All five have no battery, but it is the Omega -the one my mother bought as a birthday gift years ago- that I use on a daily basis. 

My wrist is now so used to not having a watch, that the pale, white, mark I had on it, has disappeared and now my entire arm is one color.

So, what have I done in the mean time? 

Well, when I was younger and this happened, I would ask people for the time. 

But now that I'm an adult, I ask no one for the time. 

Instead, I use my old mobile/ cell phone when I need to know what time it is. 

I don't have an iPhone or a smart Android phone (other than work's BlackBerry) but I think that my regular, old-fashioned, mobile Samsung mobile phone (which slides open and I love that), is apparently more important a machine than my watch.

Eventually, I'm not sure when, I'll replace the battery and that will have been that.

But after I do I'll continue to carry a mobile/cell phone on me.

 
I'm not sure about when it is that I'll stop, if ever, carrying a phone on me. It has become one of those indispensable machines without which we could not really function very well.

No, I don't think that my life would end if I didn't have a phone -and I have thought about not having a land line at all- but, curiously enough, I am aware of how big a part of our daily lives it has become. 

Just like the iPad.

I wake up and, before I go to work, I turn the radio on and start to quickly peruse the morning news. 

I think our lives these days are 'connected' to something, for better or for worse.

And where will it all lead?

Two days ago I was having dinner with some friends (walking distance from home). 

One of them, an American cartoonist living in Spain, mentioned very casually that people will "eventually grow tired of the internet and will move on to the next thing". 

Yes, it was one of those "excuse me... what?" moments. 

Will the internet change... or disappear?  

Well, yes, it changes all the time. 

The internet in 2013 and in 1993 are two very different beings. 

And, like television, it seems to be here to stay. 

Will people grow tired of it?  If so, what will come next? 

Yes, I'm sure that someone, somewhere, will be thinking of it, but I'm not sure about how successful they will be with their idea in my lifetime. 

After all, Da Vinci thought about submarines in the XVI century (1515 I think), but we didn't really see those until 400 years later...  

Pen and paper...

AOG, Madrid

I don’t normally do new year’s resolutions. I don’t like to do them because I always find them nigh near impossible to stick to. 

However, this year, for some strange reason, I did a small resolution list. 

Among the items listed were:

1-    lose weight
2-    write a short story per month
3-    be more sociable

Number 1 is on and off. It always has been with me. But that’s a post for a different day. 

Number 3 I remind myself of every time someone calls and I’m at home, and all I want to do is stay there and not deal with humanity. 

However, I confess that this year I have actively sough out, and worked on, my social life.

Number two, I admit, has been a long time coming. 

Thus far I’m already running behind about three months, and I’ve just written one short story. 

I have, however, started on another one, and there’s a third one on the back of my mind. 

And I can say that this is the case only because a few months ago something happened which has helped me to get my creative act together and do some serious, or almost serious, writing.

Mid November last year I was lucky enough to join a writers group in Madrid. 

I had joined a critique group years ago, but my attendance always waned since it always seemed like we got together to talk and not write, which for some reason is what I, and I alone, thought would happen.

But then one day I came across this group, and thought I would give it a try. 

Most of the people who attend are British, but there’s the odd American, the odd Canadian and odd Spanish member here and there, but there’s other 'odd' nationalities too!

The group itself was founded by an Irish guy who’s been living in Spain for a few years. 

It has been going strong for over a year and I have to say that I was made to feel welcome from day one.
 

Since I joined, the group has gone through a few changes. In fact, the very day I joined I, along with everyone else, was presented with the group’s new rules. Among the one’s that stood out the most to me were: no eating during meetings and no laptops. And don’t be late.
 

Nothing too difficult or demanding.

Another thing it went through was a change of venue. We used to meet at this café near Bilbao metro station in central Madrid. It was ok, but a bit crowded.

 

Also, within no time some people, including me, got the idea that the café's owner was more interested in his other customers than us. For example, the music began to get louder each time. 

This, for a writing group that reads its work out loud, is problematic.

So we went on a pilgrimage to find a new place.

First to a café nearby with nice decor, but a bit crowded. Also, the guy behind the bar rather we got up and asked for things instead of him actually behaving like the waiter that he was and taking our orders at our table.

 

Also, he was not keen at all on charging people individually for their consumption and insisted on one big, fat, large bill. So big, fat, no.

The other place was near the Plaza de España area. In the back of it in fact; an area filled with restaurants serving foreign food.

Less crowded than the other two, it was, in fact, a basement all for us. However, although some people liked it, for others it was uncomfortable and the seating arrangements were a bit odd. 

But the guy who ran it was actually very nice.

Lastly, we went to a Café in Chueca neighborhood. The upstairs of the place was very spacious. We decided to meet there in the end. But no, it too is far from perfect.   

The service is very so-so, and it is starting to get noisy. But this is just like any other café in Madrid. Good weather means people will come out and socialize.

Some of us have begun toying with the idea of meeting at Retiro Park, right by the lake. There's loads of public cafés there. 

 

But I digress.   
 

I normally arrive at the group on time, find a seat, and get ready for an hour of themed writing exercises. 

When we do these, we normally divide into smaller groups of 3-5 people. On a good day maybe 20-25 people will show up!

The group’s members take it in turns to give a sort of workshop on a particular theme. We’ve had workshops on erotica, death, character creation, locations, etc.
 

Every time I go I leave thinking myself lucky for having attended –but I have yet to conduct a meeting myself. Work keeps me from being able to commit for the time being.

Nevertheless, I feel fortunate to have access to such a talented group of individuals from all different backgrounds, all interested in writing.

 

Some of them keep blogs; some are working on a novel; some like to write short stories; some write poetry. In short, one way or another, we are all interested in writing. 

After every exercise we read out loud what we’ve written to our group, and I have really begun to enjoy some people’s writing. 

Slowly, I have also begun to make some friends in the group, and I love that this is the case. I’m always short of friends.

But not just that, I have also been able to get my act together enough that, when I am in Madrid, I actually leave the house on Saturday and go to write for a while to my favorite coffee shop: Diurno. (See past post about writing in Diurno here).

What I do is post a small notice on the group’s facebook page, stating time and place. Slowly, some members have come along. 

We talk and chat and gossip, but we also go quiet and write. And I really like that we do all this.

The group’s facebook page is also very active, with members posting writing tips, ideas, in short, anything which might be of interest to other people. 

But not just that. There’s even talk of a group blog. And there’s been meetings related to it.

But not just that. A few weeks ago, we were told of the possibility of working on a screenplay for a short film.

Some people were interested, some were not. 

 

I was.

I submitted my entry (basically a 300 word story based on some images previously chosen by the director) and waited. And waited and waited some more.

Finally I was told that I, and a couple more members, had been chosen to participate in this collaborative script-writing project. 

I was over the moon when I found out!

I have never written a screenplay, or any other type of play, in my life. 

Nonetheless, I do think it is a wonderful prospect, certainly it is a learning opportunity.

 

Last Saturday we all met for lunch and what was going to be a writing session where the entire script was going to be hammered out between 4 people. 

No such luck. 

We met the director, who is French, and ate some and drank some.

 

 

Then we had a few discussions about the film and the director showed us some more images he liked.

 

Then we talked about them a bit, and then we spent about 20-25 minutes writing on our own.

We reconvened and read our bits out loud. We had some great ideas, some ok ideas, and some ideas which were very ambitious, but nonetheless welcome.

It was almost 7 pm by now, and we realized we needed to talk less, and write more. And that is how we said good-bye.

 

By our next meeting, three days later, we should have come up with something else. Something new.

So I spent most of Sunday trying to think of a story following the briefest of briefs: 

• One should be able to watch the film with the sound off and follow it.
• There should be a scene of feet going to and fro.
• Only 4 characters.
• Use older people because the give a movie ‘texture’.
• It should have a happy ending. 

This last bit we also discussed during the afternoon. Two of us are for it, and there’s one undecided, and one who questioned why this should be.

 I really didn’t have much of an answer beyond the feeling I got off of the images the director showed us, which were mostly depressing and keep giving off an air of alienation.

Its early days yet, but I’m sure I’m going to enjoy this new project.

 

On becoming a nuisance...

AOG, Madrid

My seventy something father called me the other day. His wife had passed away just hours before.

It had all been very sudden. He was still in shock. When I last spoke with him about 12 days ago, he was still in shock.

Before I continue, let me just say that I have not seen my father since 1988.

A few years ago, when I was still in London, he started to call.

He was then, and always, hungry for news.

However, our conversations seem to be a very repetitive affair. 



• How are you?
• How’s work?
• Your partner?
• Your mother?
• Your sister?

My sister is always a tricky conversation. She is hardly at home and, when he calls, she is never to be found. So he complains to me about her.

He lives in Florida, and my sister is still in the UK.

Time differences aside, she does lead a very busy life.

Dog walks, training, and the usual hustle and bustle of living in the social milieu that is British country life.

So when he calls, she is hardly ever there to pick up the phone. Of course, when I call, she is hardly ever there either, so it is nothing personal.

Which is what I always tell him. Again and again.

Still, he complains.

When his wife was still alive, that is to say, the last time I spoke with her, she always enquired about my sister, my mother, and me.

As with my father, the conversation was always a repeat performance of the previous phone call.

I never met my father’s wife, but she seemed very sweet on the phone. I was glad that he had her in his life and, to be honest, I never considered the idea that he would outlive her, quite the contrary.

So when he called with his news, I too was shocked. The woman my father left my mother for had departed.

I had always known about her but, thankfully, my mother was not one of those women who blamed the other woman for her husband leaving, she was intelligent enough to realise it was my father who was to blame for that. But she never really blamed him for that.

So the years passed, and when my father called the first time, he was keen, for whatever reason, to ensure his wife and my sister and I spoke to each other. It was always a strange, and mostly unilateral, conversation.

“I love you both so very much”, she often said.

To which I could only politely say “that is very sweet of you”, or something like that, but little else.


And whenever she said those words, I cringed slightly.

It always felt so odd. I did think she was a very sweet woman, and a saint for taking care of my father. But I felt strange.

Almost as strange as when my father says he loves my sister and I. To this day I have not said it back.

And the reason why is because I don’t love him.

When I talk about my father to other people I always use this stock sentence: “I don’t love him, and I don’t hate him. I just don’t have any feelings”.

Maybe it is a cliché, but I do think it sums up perfectly how I feel. I don’t know if other people understand what I mean.

He has not been in my life much. Not physically. He has been absent from it for a ridiculous percentage of it, so if I ever had feelings towards my father, they dissipated.

In a way I think I am quite lucky since, at least, I didn’t develop hatred towards him. I think I just developed a huge sentiment of indifference, and that is what is with me these days.

When he called me the other day to tell me about the passing of his wife, my first reaction was 'And you are telling me this because…?'.

Of course, I didn’t say that to him, but I didn’t say much of anything then. He was in pain and I did what I could to give him whatever support I could, which I think was very little.

I have called him a couple of times since, to see how he is, and he is well, but lonely. He has a large uphill journey which more than likely he will face alone.

His wife had children of her own, but , although they live near him, they have their own father to take care of (I assume, I have never spoken with them).

Certainly they have their own lives to live. He told me this already.

Still, my father values his independence, such as it is. He is almost blind now, due to about 20-30 years of unsupervised diabetes. He has also developed cataracts, but when we last spoke he said he was going to see his doctor about them.

He has said very clearly he does not want to go and live with his brother, nor does he want to become a nuisance to his family or anyone else.